Not So Alone
by MidnightGenius
Summary: Hawke couldn't remember the last time she cried.  Two-shot mostly drabble. Female Hawke/Fenris
1. Not So Alone

Hawke couldn't remember the last time she'd cried. Not when Father had died, for she had to be strong for her family. Not for Carver or Bethany, lost to darkspawn, lost on the run, there hadn't been time to mourn. But not this time. There were no looming threats of death upon a moment of weakness, no loved one she needed to be strong for. This time, Hawke was alone in the world. She threw all her uncle's words back at herself. It was her fault, if she'd been faster, if she'd been home, she must have been able to do something. But there was nothing. Mother... Mother was gone, and she was alone.

The door opened at the same time Hawke's head fell to her hands and she sighed in defeat. She knew who it was without looking, however, as his bootless feet made little sound. Both of them knew that words held little value at such a time, but she still tried. It did little good aside from hearing his voice, soothing on her heart however little comfort it gave. Despite everything, she loved him. Though she knew well his aversion to touch, she could not stop herself from gripping his hand when he sat next to her, a lifeline in the dark place she was wading through. He flinched slightly, but seemed to understand and she brought their intertwined hands to her face to rest her cheek on them. They sat in silence for many long moments, and Fenris didn't say a word when he felt his fingers grow moist.

It was hard for Fenris to watch the strongest woman he'd ever known in pain like this, and to know there was almost nothing he could do for her. He felt a strange sense of kinship with her now, they were together...in being alone. There was so much he wanted to do for her, so much he was still afraid to. Touch still terrified him, he both wanted to touch and to shy away. It was a complicated and frustrating situation, but for Hawke, at this moment, touch was what she needed.

He silently brought his free hand around to caress her cheek, and ran his fingers down the side of her face. She leaned against his hand and closed her eyes. It was so difficult to see such an influential woman in such pain, and despite her pain she did not weep or sob, but rested on him and relied on his comfort.

"Hawke," His voice crackled slightly from so long in silence, "sleep would do you good."

She looked at him, and the pain in her eyes and the slight redness around them sent pangs to his heart. "I don't want to sleep, Fenris. I don't want to dream."

Fenris disentangled his hand from hers to rest it on the back of her head as he kissed her forehead before he stood. He began the slow task of removing his gauntlets and armor. "If you sleep, I will stay until you wake."

Without the metal and spikes he was a much less intimidating figure, and when he sat on her bed Hawke rested her head in his lap and collected herself against the rest of him, his back to the headboard. She shed no more tears, but closed her eyes as he ran his gloveless fingers through her hair. Perhaps it wasn't so bad, this touching.

"Do you think she's with the Maker now?" Hawke's soft voice called back his wandering mind

"I think Sebastian would tell you so. There are not many as deserving of His side as your mother is, Hawke. She was a good woman, a good mother."

"She was a good mother," she laughed lightly, "I remember once, when the twins were small..."

Fenris let her talk a while, share her stories and her pain. He had promised to stay until she woke, and stay he would, through tears or stories or sleep. He was hers again, for one night.


	2. Allure of Magic

Fenris was enraged. His sister, his own blood, his only family, had betrayed him. Sold him out to that monster, Led Danarius to him for nothing but personal gain, the empty promise of becoming a Magister. He felt himself slipping into the same state of hatred he had blamed on Danarius and Hadriana before. Magic had truly tarnished every good thing in his life, even his own sister had abandoned him for its sake.

Hawke tentatively rested a hand on his shoulder; he tensed for a moment as he always did, touch was still an unfamiliar and somewhat painful sensation, but he relaxed into her touch and took comfort in it. It reminded him he wasn't alone, and when she entwined their hands he squeezed hers. Hawke waved off their companions, knowing Fenris needed time and an escape, and silently they walked to his stolen mansion in hightown.

He raged, knowing she would listen and never judge, and she did her best to calm him. When he had run out of anger he was only left with regret. Regret for leaving her, regret for never returning, and he let it go. He told her why he left, of is frustration with himself, and the longer he had let it go the more he felt he could never return. Hawke continued to impress him, she forgave him without a second thought saying only "I understood Fenris. I always did."

She always did know what to say with him.

"Fenris, you're not alone in this. If I had my way you'll never be alone again."

He wanted that too, wanted her so much. All the days his heart was breaking, conflicted by her presence, and she had always stood by waiting for him. Even now as his throat constricted and works failed him, she simply gathered him to her chest. She stood beside his chair and held him.

"I don't ever want to lose this again." She whispered as she pressed her face into his hair, and he felt her trembling fingers. It was then that he realized, all his insecurities were hers as well. Every time she looked his way, every reading lesson or mission or game of diamondback in those long three years, she would look at him and remember, and hope. This realization gave him strength and he pulled her to his lap. He held her , for perhaps the first time like this. That such a strong woman could feel so deeply for him...

"Hawke, you are not alone either."


	3. Before The Storm

His eyes followed Hawke around as she spoke to each of their companions. A comforting touch here, a friendly hug there, none of them had ever thought it would come this far, or be this drastic, all from the betrayal of one mage, one man, one friend. They were all of them close, one cannot adventure together, drink together, and limp home bloody together for some many years and not be; and despite his hatred of mages, he'd had a grudging respect for Anders. He was a good healer, and he'd been a good friend to his Hawke.

His Hawke. Fenris watched her hug the young elf mage. She was cute, if naive, before she had been a typical youngling, thinking she could do whatever it took and never face the consequences. There are always consequences, Merill had learned, and regretted, though what she had done with that regret he didn't know. He smiled slightly, his Hawke was never one to turn another away, no matter the danger, _'I can handle it'_ she would tell him, _'no would-be-assassin will get the jump on me'_.

Not on her, but those she held dear. It was her mother murdered by a mage, and her siblings lost to blight, that paid the price. She felt their loss keenly in her heart, blamed herself, and no effort Fenris made could touch the gaping hole they'd left._ 'There is nothing more important in this life than family'_ she'd told him not so long ago, the night he held his sister's life in his hands and spared it,_ 'you are always connected no matter what; you will always have the same blood'._

It was that night that he promised himself, as he told her of his love, as he apologized for ever leaving, that he would give her a new family. He swore to never leave her side, to protect her always, to follow his heart. _'I can never replace what has been taken from you,' _he'd said _'But I can give you something new to look forward for'_. He'd only once seen her cry, but that night she looked close, so he simply held her close and kissed her, tried to show the love he could not give with words.

And here they were, the night chaos enveloped Kirkwall once again. The tension between the oppressive templars and the enraged mages had finally boiled, and the Champion of Kirkwall was the only person they would have fix it. He offered his hand as she finally made her way to him, "I always save the best for last" she said as she had many times before, "And you, my dear, are the best." Hawke smiled as she took his hand and he pulled her close, resting his chin on the top of her head when she curled into him. These were their precious moments, before the raging storm threatened to rip them apart.

He kissed her forehead and ran his palm down the side of her face. "Hawke," he whispered, pressing his lips to the corner of her eye, "Never doubt my feelings, never doubt that I will protect you. There is no future for me without you in it," His grip tightened her hand at the pain in the thought of losing her. "You have brought light into a dark life, and calm to an angry heart. Wherever we may go, I am yours, and whatever you wish you need only to ask me." He pressed their foreheads together, savouring these precious moments.

"Save it for the wedding night tiger," she laughed, "we have a city to save now."  
>"I believe Wolf is more appropriate." he chuckled, and leaned down to give his Hawke one last fierce kiss before they entered the tempest.<p> 


End file.
